Japan Diary: March 20th (2010) [Part 1/2]

Read the story from the beginning HERE (From the bottom of the page.)

Saturday 20th “A trip to a bridge, which lead to awkward and beyond”
This is the day I’ve often later told to friends and family in an edited version. I don’t think I’ve felt ashamed, but maybe I knew that what happened didn’t really live up to people expectations and it certainly wouldn’t be used as input for the perfect romantic movie. Though, back then I told the truth to my diary and I’ll tell the truth on this blog as well. Maybe it’ll make a good laugh.

The next morning I certainly didn’t feel refreshed when it came to sleep, but my weird hope regarding Hiro and I felt revived for some reason. I went to the living room and Hiro was up as he promised. I could hear a strong wind flowing around the house. Hiro told me that the flea market was postponed until tomorrow, so we decided to discuss what to do instead. Hiro suggested some kind of bridge located in the mountains around a two-hour drive away. It wasn’t like I had better plans myself.

In the car I felt no progress at all and we didn’t speak much either – except when I discovered a spider in my side of the car, which resulted in Hiro having to pull the car over and come and get it. The hope concerning us I had felt this morning was already dwindling.  Like always, we drove though a lot of areas with beautiful, countryside scenery. Tall mountains, interesting houses and numerous rice fields. Then we finally arrived to our destination. Mountains surrounded us and in between them, making a passage located several kilometres above ground was an elegant bridge.

I was happy that heights had never been an issue for me. After having crossed the bridge, there was a small path that took us on a 2 kilometres walk along uneven terrain, over several small bridges and water streams. We were once again alone and “the other Hiro” seemed to wake up. He started to put his arm around me and played with my hair.

We sat down on a bench and if I hadn’t noticed it myself, Hiro pointed out the fact that there were no people around.

“It’s your chance!”

“Chance for what?” I asked, even though I kind of knew the answer to this repeated joke.

“It’s your chance to kiss me.”

“Well, … it’s your chance as well.” I said and made a laugh, even small children would categorize as fake.

We looked at each other, waited for the other person to make a move, but we knew that wait would turn out way too long so we got up and kept on walking. Hiro put his arm around my waist; first I playfully showed it away, but in the same action I got a grip of his hand and let my fingers tangle up with his. He didn’t seem unpleased with this outturn, so we kept on walking like that until the small path ended and we were among other people around. We returned to the now overheated car to rest and then suddenly things were happening a lot faster than I could ever predict.

“What do you wanna do?” Hiro asked and looked out the window.

I turned my face in his direction, a bit surprised about the question since I thought we were on our way home.

“I don’t know” I answered and once again turned my face away.

“Wanna have sex?” Hiro asked in an emotionless voice.

The question startled me and I desperately tried to pull out yet another fake laugh. This question was surely a step up from the other suggestive things he had asked me the past two weeks, but I still couldn’t imagine him being serious about this.

“I kind of think this is the wrong place” I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Do you know love hotels? It’s a place you can go for like 2 hours.”

I turned my head to face Hiro, who had leaned his seat back and was looking straight at me. I searched his face for hints of an upcoming laugh or smile, which would reveal the fact that this was just another joke, but his eyes kept their gaze and he looked at me with a serious look. His hand reached out for my hair, which he once again started touching, while I blankly starred at a spot between the car window and his face. He once again opened his mouth and continued.

“It’s not possible for us to kiss or have sex at the house, while my parents are around. They would become furious if they found out that I was fooling around with a precious homestay student. But, … if we went to a love hotel…”

He was serious and my brain officially had a melt down. I sat up straight in the car seat and looked out the windshield, I looked into nothingness. I sat like that for a while, without saying anything. I wasn’t debating whether I should say yes or no, rather how I should accept his suggestion and still keeping my dignity intact. I didn’t like things were moving this fast, up until now I had hoped for a kiss and then we could take things from there. But, if I said no now, I might not get the chance to move any further. I did feel sure of my physical interest in him, my body had certainly given me lots of signs of that the past week or so.

“What are you thinking” Hiro asked and interrupted my flow of desperate thoughts.

Nothing, I’m blank” I lied.

“You’re probably thinking, “No way, Hiro” or something”.

 “No. Actually I wasn’t”

“Really? Then… should we find a hotel?” Hiro asked with a relieved voice.

Thousand of thoughts flew through me head. I wanted an innocent kiss and now I had to accept a sex invitation to get it? Well, it’s not like I expect anything serious to happen between us anyway. Hiro was looking straight at me and his question was still hanging in the air. I took some deep breathes, searched my brain for a decent answer, but all that managed to get out of my mouth was “iiyo” (fine).

“Really? So we’ll go?”

I nodded, kept my blank gaze directed towards the windshield. Was I going to regret this?

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Japan Diary: March 17th (2010)

Wednesday 17th “All in for the game”

Today was a relaxed day, way more relaxed than I wanted it do be. Hiro’s parents were off to the hospital for his mother’s regular tests, so Hiro and I were the one ones in the house. I went to the living room, but he still hadn’t left his room. That made walk a lot between my room and the living room in the hopes that he would hear my footsteps and come out, but it wasn’t before I carried some of my laundry that I heard him move around. He opened his door shortly after at seemed a bit surprised to see me, he gave me a silly smile and the usual good morning greeting.

He went to the shower room to freshen up and I went to my room. After that we both sat down in the living room, but since the parents were using the car our possibilities of going somewhere seemed slim. Hiro was sitting in a chair in front of the heater and I moved my chair as close to his as possible. He let his hand rest of my leg for sometime and then he got up and found another movie to watch. My eyes shifted to the clock, from tomorrow Hiro would be going on a 2-day trip to Fukuoka to meet up with some friends and I would be left here all alone. I guess I had hoped that I would actually see some progress between us today. Wait what? What progress did I actually wish for? And why did my trip to Japan suddenly become a very boring, two-person, reality-show-like, love chase? Even I would have desperate looked for the remote to change the channel.

His parents returned home around 3 o’clock and Hiro’s movie ended around a half hour later and we ended up not leaving the house that day. Leaving me a bit frustrated. We spent the rest of the afternoon trying to improve Hiro’s English – which turned out to be a quite challenging task, that guy surely did not posses the gift of words and especially not pronunciation. Then we had the usual dinner and the father went to bed shortly after. His mother asked if we wanted to play a game and Hiro promised to explain the rules. After the mother had found the game she handed it to us and went to bed. We played to rounds of the game without any proper conversation, which meant I had to work on that myself.

I started to tell about my elementary and high school life and some of the people I liked and especially those I didn’t like. I led the conversation over to Japanese girls and how pretty they are, Hiro took the bate and started asking me things about a previous conversation we have had, concerning me and liking Japanese guys – a thing I had told him for a reason. I asked him about previous girlfriends and he started counting and it seemed like he had a nice list.

“You’re popular I see.”

“What about you?”

“I haven’t had any actual, committed relationships.”

“Really?” “Well, I’ve been around a few Japanese guys… doing things…”

Hiro laughed and I guess he caught my hint. He shared a few extra points of information concerning past relationships and I felt I was getting closer to my goal. What was my goal actually? Getting to second base with this guy? Well at least I wanted to see if I could blur the lines between friend and something else and most of all I wanted to overstep those invisible lines before leaving Miyazaki and losing didn’t feel like an option. Hiro went to take a shower and I waited in the living room for him to return.

When he came back he decided to sit down next to me, instead of the usual chair on the opposite side of the table. He once again touched my knee and started to play with my hair. A few times his fingers managed to touch my cheek, which made my heart beat faster and sending warmth through my body. I worked up the courage and told him I would probably be lonely without him.

“Really?”

“Well, in the evenings maybe, since everybody goes to bed so early.”

After some time Hiro got up and went to his room to prepare for bed, I waited and hoped he would come back, which he did a few minutes later. He went behind my chair and put his hands on my shoulder, which put my full body on high alert. He started massaging my shoulders and I looked towards the living room mirror, hoping to catch a unnoticed glimpse of his face, but in the mirror’s reflection I saw him sending me a smile and I turned my blushing face away. His hands went away and he went over to stand in front of the heater. I followed.

”Ishouni neru?” (Should we sleep together?) *Not necessarily sexual. I could feel him walk closer up behind me. I felt my knees get weak as I looked into the empty room, where tatami mats was laid out. I turned around and faced him, we were both alone in the big living room.

“Chotto dame to omou” (Don’t think that’s a good idea) He laughed and agreed.

“Well, tomorrow I’ll go to Fukuoka” he said and looked directly at me.

He started playing with my hair again and his face came closer to mine and I suddenly started to feel warmth that was not caused by the heater. His hands stopped moving, but stayed in my hair and eyes looked into mine. That’s when a voice inside my head started yelling, “It’s happening! Now! It’s now! He’ll kiss you!” He opened his mouth a bit and my heart was racing in my chest. Beneath me my legs were fighting against the feeling of being reduced to some kind of jelly. I was about to lean my head towards his when my motion was interrupted by Hiro’s voice, which breached the silence.

“Oyasumi” (Goodnight) I opened my mouth in surprised and forced myself to say the same.

He gave me a smile and went into his room. I just stood there, unable to move my jelly legs and fought to gain control of my heart that just few minutes ago had hit overdrive. So close, but still so far. Was he playing with me? I looked towards his door and started cursing in silence. I finally managed to go to my room where I felt more than sad about the thought of Hiro leaving me for two days.